For You

The significance of a close friend’s advice can sometimes be underestimated

Its lasting impression on your heart tends to remain hidden, until one day, you realize that their words have settled down comfortably within your spirit and they were right all along

Hey

You're an asshole.

Just needed to get it out there.

Certain Thoughts

In the Past

I am misled to believe that warmth exists where the cold heart lies

See it is my belief that a fire is powerful enough to thaw away wounds so deeply penetrated within the soul

But a fire can only do so much with twigs for fuel rather than the presence of dependable logs

I assumed that I would have become familiar enough with these complexities by now

It’s like I’ve drawn the map over and over again, only to find myself stuck in the same latitude of despair..

The Solution

The process is a little tricky to explain, 

but one day you’ll just wake up when

 yesterday’s pain no longer has an 

impact on your stomach.

What I Found In My Pocket

I find inspiration in odd moments of my life
I'm either caught completely unaware or sometimes against my own will
If I choose to lose myself in the moment, I'm pulled away from the mundane practices of my life..
But sometimes I like to stick to the norm. I pretend that life is less complicating and I'm more comfortable in my skin.
But I guess that's an illusion. I think people who are stuck in the comforts of routine may be even crazier than the homeless person down the street who's yelling out nonsensical verbatim...
So I'm giving in to my little "moments."
This post may not make sense to anyone but myself, but that's ok.

Today I sat in Peets in front of the large window that overlooks Telegraph. As I was sitting there, trying to get some Econ studying done, this old man taps on the window to get my attention. I look up and he smiles so I naturally smile back.. He then points between his eyes and then begins waving his hand in front of his face (still smiling btw) Unsure of what to do, I put my head down, hoping that he'll leave.. Instead, he taps on the window again, and the same thing happens. After staring uncomfortably for another 10 seconds, I look down again. Same thing happens. Again. About the 4th time this happens, I decide that it's ok to be rude so I keep my head down the entire time as he persistently raps the window to grab my attention. Out of the corner of my eye, I see that he begins to wave both his arms around his head. When this fails, he moves slowly towards the left and taps the window as he leaves out of my view. Fortunately, he gives up and leaves.. Probably 40 minutes later, my eyes get bored and I look out the window. To my right, I see a homeless man being arrested by two policemen. He's handcuffed and the officers are patting him down to check for drugs..  and succeed in finding a little ziplock bag filled with white powder. I think I see something interesting and feel slightly uncomfortable at least once a day while I'm here in Berkeley.

..

I am so sick and tired of my parents dictating  my life. How much longer do I have to assume this role of obedience to every single ridiculous decree of theirs? I fit that mold my entire life, and I assumed that I would be guaranteed freedom once I left for college. But it's not even enough to them that through my independence, I've been able to establish better than average grades, make friends with amazing and life-lasting people, and still stick to respectable morals. No, I'm still consumed by their stubbornness to exaggerate any sense of hold they have over me. And the question always remains the same: "Why?" And their answer, "Because, I said so." And there's the end of that. You would think that this is some mindless rant from the average teenager who just wants to go out and conduct in meaningless crap with her other significantly unintelligent friends. Not even close. All I wanted to do was to come home this weekend and attend a prayer meeting so that I could come relatively closer to answers I can't find on my own. Trudging through the days of schoolwork and club meetings clouds my thoughts and burdens my heart. I just wanted to release everything inside of me and also just consume myself with the Holy Spirit so that I could just be that much closer to being with God. I want to relax in His Spirit, and I'm not saying I can't do that in the comforts of my own room, but just the atmosphere of VHOP would have been so much better than here. And to be surrounded by others who are just as desperate.. I wanted things to be confirmed, to fuel up, to figure myself out. I want to hear God. I just hate so much that I encounter the same problems over and over again every time I come home. What can I do to solve this ongoing cycle in my life? I can't even look at the situation without placing blame onto myself. Somewhere along the way, I have to be at fault. Why else would this be continuing? I'm in the wrong. According to them, I have no sense of responsibility. I am completely ignorant and wrong in all my actions. All I can do is talk back, and I'm not even strong enough to hold back tears. Sometimes my weakness sickens me.

Reminisce

In my childhood years, I absolutely loved to play these games of "pretend." Selling newspapers on a street corner, serving as the cashier at a supermarket, cutting hair for a living, anything and everything amused me.
One day, my next door neighbor, this sweet middle-aged Japanese woman known as "Mrs. Edie" invited me and brother over to make mud pies. Of course, Jason and I immediately ran over, overwhelmed at the fact that we were going to "make" something without the help of our mother.
Mrs. Edie led us to her backyard, hose poised in its position over a dirt patch. We watched as the water sputtered out, colliding with the dust to form this chocolate-colored mush. Mrs. Edie then instructed us to search through her plants, encouraging us to pick out various leaves and flowers to decorate our pies.
We then proceeded to place our hands in the mad, grabbing fistfuls and shaping them into what we imagined pies would resemble.
Afterwards, we laid them out to dry, and Jason and I impatiently sat and stared, eager to take our creations home to our mother. At that moment, I remember vaguely thinking to myself how appetizing a real chocolate pie would taste in my mouth. And then, I reasoned with myself that the mud pies had to be edible, it just made sense. I then turned my head from left to right, checking to see that no one would see me in the act. And with both Mrs. Edie and Jason preoccupied in their own worlds, I snatched my mud pie and immediately took a bite.
Ugh. Blech. Sigh. I spat out the disgusting mixture of gravel and dirt. As the pie touched my tongue, it disintegrated back into its original form, and I could not stand it. My brother, who had previously wandered to the other side of the yard, slowly ambled back. Upon seeing the half-bitten pie, my brother looked at me accusingly. I on the other hand pointed silently at the flying crow above our heads and my brother, in awe, nodded his head.
I just wanted the mud pie to be real damnit.

Beautiful Day

Today I feel full, as if I was pregnant. Haha, I'm just imagining peoples' facial expressions as they read that line..if anyone even reads this blog. Well, what I'm trying to express is my feeling of fullness from the Holy Spirit. 

Walking through those church doors and just soaking in the presence of God just set off this chain reaction within my spirit. 

Lately, I've been feeling this heaviness because I've just been so restless. My sense of commitment has also flown out the window, it just disappeared without my consent, and I wasn't moved enough to chase after it. I've been grounded in the sense  where being passive became a norm. And I hate that, numbness shouldn't consume me. 

But slowly I'm thawing, even the slightest crack allows a light to shine through. And that's all it 

really takes, the slightest crack for a glimpse of something far greater. A glimpse is enough. 

Simply longing, desperation seeps from the inside

overflowing thickly, tangible 

the desire for a sensitivity to Him

knees bent, hands unfolded

simple devotion, arousal of the spirit

heart and mind open, waiting in expectation

Here I am

Lovelovelovelovelovelovelovelovelove

(: 

can i just say that I love starbucks

studying is also making its way to the top of my list

I definitely need to go to a jazz club

today is pie day, soooo i'm going to help make pie with ari and rose

"Who Let Celine Out!" 

beagles&pugs

haha my ridiculous outbursts crack me up

I don't think im this spastic in person :P 

cheers <3

A New Day A New Year

So here it is, the first day of 2010

I was told to come and clean my room thoroughly from my mom, but an hour or so has passed in front of the computer with my room as messy as ever. But enough of that. No really, enough of the messy rooms and laziness.. with all the reflection time thats come with the end of '09 and the beginning of '10, it's clear to me that within the past year, all I have done is just think. Thinking about cleaning my room, thinking about writing a song, thinking..just plain thinking. Haha, I feel like I've been all talk when really, I should be out there doing. I talk about my dreams, and there's just so many to count, but how many of them have I actually followed through with? So enough chitchat, I have strategized long enough, and now, 2010, is the year that things happen.

 No longer will I just be inspired


I will do whatever it takes to carry out the passion within me and follow through with the blessings and promises God has placed in my life. Period.

And on a tangent...
Moving forward with your life is the only way to actually live life to the fullest. I've been holding on to several things during this past year, and sadly enough, I feel like those things have put me at a disadvantage, only because I myself allowed them to rule my life. With all the "thinking" I've talked about before, it also coincides with this "wishful thinking" and honestly, I feel like I've been living in a fantasy world up until a week ago. It's strange because I feel like God has burst that bubble so many times, but I've managed to seal myself back inside of it, despite His promise for justice. But finally, I understand that clinging on to things desperately are really not part of God's plan for me. My flesh has been fighting for things that have already come to pass. But, it's ok now, it really is. Yes I'm still human so there will be times where I might dwell in my past desires, but I trust Him.

Well, with all that said, Hello 2010